London is many things to me: it’s a place I can visit to have my identity as a northerner emphatically reaffirmed; it’s a place I associate with Wembley heartbreak; and now, it’s my number one grammar tourism hotspot.

During my visit of one week ago, I clapped my ever-bleary eyes on this little beauty:

Extremely pleased with what I had found whilst looking upwards, as I continued along the pavement the very next window of the same shop led me to an orgasm that only a misplaced apostrophe can induce:


How I howled with joy. Two separate cases of apostrophe abuse within two metres of each other. A veritable crime wave. Amongst the local King’s Cross scenery of whores and smack, I was finding my own seedy gratification. Hedonism gone mad.

I was in London, since you ask, for the quite excellent Camden Crawl. With so many bands to choose from, I was forced to eliminate first those whose names made a little bit of sick appear in my mouth. These I list for you:

Thecocknbullkid [you are cocksntwats]

Does It Offend You, Yeah? [everything that’s wrong with everything]

Lets Wrestle [if that apostrophe error wasn’t bad enough, then I give you their song ‘I wont lie to you’]

Operator Please [‘Operator, Please’ surely?]

Innerpartysystem [just fuck off]

However, I was drawn inexorably towards:


Wrong and brilliant, on every level.